Wednesday, April 19, 2006

The whales in Wales wail vainly with their tails.

I had the palpable displeasure of being exposed to that aberrant levithan, the whale, some few days ago. Since there is nothing better for the spirit than purging – be it blood-letting, trepanation, or catharsis – I will use this space as my vomitorium.

The day found me basking, as I do upon every Vernal Equinox, in the solarium located between the foyer and the other solarium. I was in the midst of commanding my servants while they enacted a life-sized game of chess, half-white, half-black (yes I am talking about their skin color), in a carnal celebration of the unique solar position. Just before I could begin the end-game against His Holiness, however, I received a call from a singular acquaintance of mine. Not directly of course, I find the act of handling a telephone to be so palpably lowering, but I had the gist relayed to me.

At any rate, it seemed that some amusement was afoot, and I donned my finest ridiculing apparel:

Top hot, cocked to an offensively careless angle, hardwood cane to help with walking, gesturing and light beatings, virgin-white, lambs-hide gloves and several dozen replacements for casting aside after slapping the faces of lower class types, cummerbund for style.

I was off in a flash, but not until after arriving in the filthy industrial South and boarding the boat did I discover I had been misled. We were going whale watching, not watching men from Wales, as I had presumed as a matter of course. Fortunately I had chosen to arive stylish late (a matter of 15 or minutes or so makes all the difference) single handedly delaying the vessel, and so had the succor of knowing that I had frustrated the plans of that prodigal ship of fools - if even just a little bit.

Can words describe the loathsome nature of these misshapen whales, these vermin of the sea? One can certainly endevour.

The grotesque whale, its twisted figure pockmarked by repulsive pustules, are widely acknowledged by right-thinking marine biologists as the least precious of all the Earth's hateful creatures.

These facts did I mull over in my head while being pitched about, waiting for the oafish whale to bob dumbly into our prescence.

-What other animal has God so blighted with a rectum in its very head than the whale?

-The term "whale blubber" finds its origin in the fact that whales cry uncontrollably all the time - in the manner of a blubbering, retarded child.

-Ambergris or as it is more scientfically known, whale vomit, is a substance so nauseating, so feculently odiforous, that only by storing it at the bottom of a bottle of perfume can its odor be masked.

-Despite conventional wisdom it is whales, not dolphins, that are the nerds of the sea.

-Prior to the darkest days of World War II, an attempted assassination of Hitler was foiled when a German citizen sacraficed himself to save his Fuher - that man was a whale.

-Genetically, whales are more closely related to those assholes who interrupt you when you are talking so everyone hears them be rude to the waitress than any other animal.

-Whales are known to suddenly buck up under tour boats in order to capsize them whenever the opportunity presents itself. This is the exact way that Mother Theresa died.

-They piss gallons into the same ocean you are swimming in.

At any rate, at long last a whale meagerly broke the surface of the water, ejaculated wildy (no, I mean the biological term for purging the blowhole, dunderpate) and the interminable experience ground to a close.

Thank the powers that be for small mercies.

Never have I been happier to live in Japan, where hunting whales is rightly viewed as a source of food and general good times.


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Blogger Craig Mauelshagen said...

Ah, I feel like a washed up drug addict who just got another fix of heroin, good post man....good post.

4/25/06, 2:01 PM  
Blogger -e said...

were you inspired by the hillariously recounted story of whale blabber on the western coast?

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4/25/06, 4:15 PM  
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