Monday, October 10, 2005

You! Low-brow!

This posting is in English, a trend I will try very hard to continue; not for your sake, but because it pleases me.

I make no apologizes for the Japanese below. If it unsettles you, if it frustrates you that my unique strokes of wit and wisdom are locked away from your limited mind behind elegant kanji, then perhaps you should try and learn the language. Unless, that is, that you are too busy "vegging out" in front of your "boob tube" with your "potatoed chips".

Yes, I am physically in Japan now, but let me make it clear: I will not be pandering to you readers - I will not justify Japanese place names or terminologies, provide background on past events, explain who the people I reference are, nor where they live, nor even, for that matter, where I live.

Fine - Okinawa. But that's the last one you get.

Foreign words will not be italicized, regardless of what your precious MLA Handbook of Style says - in fact I barely even feel the compulsion to spell the words correctly at all. If you can't understand them then perhaps you should seize upon this indicator of your personal short comings and strive to improve your lot.

If you yourself are foreign, or as scientists define it "non-American", I make this simple and heartfelt decree to you - abandon your misguided attempts at spelling. America is in this, as all other things, unimpeachably irreproachable.

Allow me to deviate for a moment,

God, how I detest you reader; this one thing I need to make perfectly clear. Time I spend writing, crafting these precious gems, is time I could spend doing something I enjoy instead of fulfilling your vicarious needs.
What ever is the matter, reader, did I just hurt your feelings? My sympathy could fill oceans, I assure you. If that is the most you can take than you had better go suckling at some other maestro's metaphorical teat, as for myself I am not yet warmed up.

You are a chowder head. A complete and utter Manhattan Clam-class chowderhead. Were I you I would keep a wide berth away from Boston, lest some soup-craving Massachusettian attempt to stick a spoon into your face.

How did that feel? Please, wipe your tears away- I insist that it is with unobscured vision that you experience the rest of my fierce jabs.

To refocus,
Just today I competed in the world's largest tug-of-war in Naha. It goes without saying that my side won, and yet I will say it anyway. The rope was large, world-class even, some five or six feet thick. However, I could not help but realize that my own rival rope pull (to be held the very same day as Okinawa's) will surely overshadow this occasion. I pledge that I will bring you a rope so large that no amount of force can move it at all!

How did the sporadic rain affect the outcome of the pull? How many people did my titanic strength strike holy awe into? Which adjective more aptly describes the piece of rope I claimed in victory: gargantuan, or fearsome? The answer to all these questions you will never know - in fact, out of sheer spite I will not even finish this sente

Now please, quit wasting everyone's time and find something proper to do.

-Philboyd Snrub


Blogger keldog22 said...

i have to say i am intrigued by your writting- i will continue to waste my time in anyway i please and you cannot do anything about it. thank you very much.

12/5/05, 9:59 AM  

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