Friday, January 20, 2006

Crapulous bowels!

A disclaimer, though Lord knows if it will penetrate far enough into my thick-browed readership. The following curt monologue deals with words of a scatological nature, and if being exposed to such terms makes you either wretch or titter like a school-girl than considered yourself alerted of the following: your existence makes me sick. I hate you for your stunted maturity as much as anything else.

With regard to other matters at hand ..... DIARREAH! That was but a test. Check your reaction, if it fell into one of the above categories then please do the world the simple favor of having yourself euthanized.

As it were,
Curse the wretched bowel movement, basest of all the machinations of hell's grim tyrant. Such displeasure it brings me when I have to perch myself on the commode and wait for my sphincter to get its business done. Cannot a man enjoy his dinner of pig entrails soup and not fear that the next day he will be pinned to some toliet by interminable defecation, as I am now? Thankfully enough I have my deficient protege "D.C." on hand to take dictation as I howl at him from the stall.

Let us not speak of the stench, unholy though it may be. Let us not spend words upon the gruesome sound, squealing from my lower parts with such fervor that I must shout over it to be heard. There is no call to even mention it's horrible texture. No, for the worst of it all is that while embroiled with these excessive and frequent evacuations of my stool I cannot help but feel somehow made level with the common man. Truly this is a grim and terrible world if, in the end, my shit stinks too.

Well, at the very least I may be satisfied with my unique method of pants donning - whereby I put them on both legs at once.

-Philboyd Snrub

4 Comments:

Blogger keldog22 said...

sitting in my teachers room with tears in my eyes from laughing. this is the best post ever.

1/23/06, 10:29 AM  
Blogger -e said...

is it partially because you can so fully relate? :) an awesome post, Davido!

1/25/06, 3:15 PM  
Blogger Louise said...

Dearest Philboyd

Just enquiring whether you will be attending the gathering tomorrow night to discuss Mr. Salinger and his wee novel? Or will we have to suffer the inane ramblings of your surely humble apprentice Mr. D. Crennen? I will be there with my V. Woolf hat on, ready to dish out women's scorn left, right, and of course, center. I hope you can make it, so that you too can enjoy a handsome helping. Had to post this instead of emailing, as I believe your phone is too crapulent to use such technology.

Louise

1/26/06, 1:27 PM  
Blogger elviegirl said...

david david david. what are we going to do with you??? I feel i know you too well.

Elvira

1/31/06, 2:50 PM  

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